Home
This is not a message that comes from an old wise man, a sage who has learnt the lessons down the course of his long life and is ready to hand it down to his students. It is more like a message that comes from a student in the college of life wanting to share his experiences with other students. Sometimes in the absence of a teacher, we need to talk to each other and learn from each other. I hope my words help you.
In this life, you are likely to find someone who you fall in love with, or who falls in love with you. Sometimes that love is not returned and one party just has to burn in the passions until that passion burns itself out. That's not exactly what I'm dealing with here. I'm talking to those who have had that love returned, bathed in its warmth, but somewhere down the line, the stream of love turned bitter or stagnant and you're left alone, a broken soul drinking from a cracked cup filled with your own tears.
Whether you believe it or not, there are helpful principles and comforting passages in the Great Book, the Tanakh. Maybe I can share an experience or two and a passage of scripture that helped me through.
I've had my experiences with love, with falling in it, living without it, seeing the imitations and the limitations of it. In fact the word itself is so ambiguous at times, you sometimes don't get a chance to see what it is really supposed to be until you've been abused by one of its imitators. That's if you are lucky enough not to be so twisted by it that you think it's the real thing.
We live in a culture that is so mixed up when it comes to values such as love, it is hardly surprising that we look around and see so many failed marriages and relationships, children being raised without a father, or sometimes without a mother. The media portrays a fantasy of lust, perfect sex with all the groanings, and foundationless relationships where the partners are 'in love' yet have no actual marital bond. We live in a world of girlfriends and boyfriends, partners who are not spouses, with no limitations on how far the physical or emotional relationship can go. Basically it is a free-for-all. Unfortunately the costs are so high that you have to wonder what exactly was 'free'.
The family system has broken down and so society breaks down. Pornography has become an accepted medium to find self-gratification in the place of actual sharing. The developing years of children are unsettled by divorces, single mommies going through different 'uncles' trying to find a new daddy, single daddies trying to find new mommies. This can happen even if there was no marriage to start with but due to sex, a baby is born and someone doesn't want to take responsibility.
I am a child of this society. Not only have I seen my friends go through intense relationships inside and outside of marriage, but I have gone through experiences myself. I made a lot of mistakes down the road, some of which still greatly affect my life as I type this. Some lessons had to be learned the hard way, as my own family could tell you. Some experiences leave you scarred, possibly for life. But I can look at my scars, and at least advise you on how not to receive them.
A city broken down, without walls, so is a man who has no control over his own spirit [impulses]. (Proverbs 25:28)
This proverb tells a powerful story in its few words. In the bible days, you needed good defences to keep enemies out. You needed a strong wall. Those towns that had none were at the mercy of those who could come in and plunder, since the bandits could simply come in and out as they please.
In the same way, once a person has no control over their impulses, especially the sexual ones, they leave themselves open to many dangers, e.g., unwanted/unplanned pregnancies, lack of confidence because you don't know if you are in control, or if your urges and lusts are controlling you. You can become such a slave to your sexual urges that you will go to almost any lengths to find gratification, even let down those who are close to you or be unfaithful to someone who is committed to you. From the very beginning of my experiences with women, I never developed good control over my sexual urges, and, in this life, first impressions count. If you don't start early you make it more difficult to deal with those urges in the future. There may be a time when you choose to settle down with someone, but relationships don't run smooth, and what is to stop you from pleasuring yourself with someone else?
You also leave yourself open to falling into relationships that are too physical, too sexual, just because of the intense physical attraction, although you cannot get along with the person on more fundamental levels. Such things can only lead to ruin. There really is more to life than sex, especially when looking for a real partner, someone to understand you and who accepts you for all of you, not just how good you are in the procreation act.
How does one control oneself? Very good question! Let me give you a suggestion. Put your efforts into something else, like studying Torah or studying the wonders of creation. Stay a mile away from any temptation so it can't touch you. If temptation is about, run away from it. There's no shame in having a weakness unless you never learn from it.
Above all that you guard, guard your heart; for out of it are the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
Don't give your strength to women,... (Proverbs 31:3a)
The scriptures say that a person is cursed who puts their confidence in humans (Jer 17:5) and that is better to trust in YHWH than to put your confidence in princes (Psalm 118:8). This isn't an absolute statement saying, 'Trust no-one at all'. But be very very careful how much you give yourself to someone. Why?
Because we all fail each other some time in life. Even people deeply in love can hurt each other. It is possible that you can put so much of yourself, your effort, your time, and your trust, into someone who appears to be quite moral and good. But eventually that person lets you down in such a way that those dreams crash into nothingness, and after such a fall it is horribly difficult to pick oneself back up again. It's like building that person into an image they really are not, the ideal man or woman, THE soulmate, the ultimate. You can 'love' someone too much. You can begin to lose sight of your own identity as you focus to much on that special someone.
Remember that we all are human. We have our imperfections and our faults as well as our good points and gifts. The only perfect lover is YHWH. Anyone else you can love deeply and really be committed to, but understand that there will be failings, disappointments, even tragedies.
When you have a little aside for yourself, something that you enjoy, something personal, then no matter what happens, while you're dealing with upset or disappointment, you can still have an activity which still gives you a buzz. You don't have to lose yourself to love someone. In fact, being yourself can really bring out some fun times out of a relationship.
He that trusts in his own heart is a fool; but whosoever walks wisely, he shall escape. (Proverbs 28:26)
It is easy to mistake nice feelings or feelings of attraction for love. You might see someone special across a crowded room and feel warm inside. Their smile makes you smile. As you get to know them, you love the physical contact and the warmth and everything. Get butterflies in your stomach? Well, that must be true love, right? They say the three magic words in so many colourful ways, 'I love you'. That must be love, right? Wrong!
True love, love in real life, not simply a dictionary definition, is much much more than a simple feeling. There is so much more to love than the words, "I love you." Just like with a person's devotion to the Almighty, their love or devotion to another person cannot simply be words, but has to be backed up with actions that are consistent with the intention behind the word. I'll give an analogy:
In scripture, the love which YHWH tells the people to have for him is always coupled with action, and also the love which YHWH shows to his people is coupled with action. Deuteronomy 10:12-15 shows this in a good way.
Deu 10:12-15 (12)And now, Israel, what does YHWH your Deity require of you, but to fear YHWH your Deity, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve YHWH your Deity with all thy heart and with all thy soul, (13) to keep the commandments of YHWH, and his statutes, which I command thee this day for thy good? (14) Behold, the heaven and the heaven of heavens is YHWH's, your Deity, the earth also, with all that is in it. (15) Only YHWH had a delight in thy fathers to love them, and he chose their seed after them, even you above all people, as it is this day.
The love that YHWH desires is coupled with phrases like "walk in all his ways" and "to serve YHWH" and "to keep the commandments", or in other words "to do". In the same way, later on in the same passage it shows the formula that "YHWH loved" so he did something (verse 15). He did something consistent with that love.
The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia has an enlightening thing to say about the intention of the hebrew words translated "love" in scripture:
While the Hebrew ... words for 'love' have various shades and intensities of meaning, they may be summed up in some such definition as this: Love, whether used of God or man, is an earnest and anxious desire for and an active and beneficent interest in the well-being of the one loved.
This analogy shows an example of how our love should be. If we are gonna use the word "love" with someone, then we had better do the actions and try our damnedest to live the life consistent with it.
I am not negating the inner feeling that can sometimes accompany love, but let's be honest. Sometimes in a relationship, when things are going really sour, you don't really have lovely feelings for the person who is your partner. Sometimes you've had a rotten day, or you simply cannot be bothered inside to feel that great about the person that you are with. So we have instances in life where we don't have that great feeling. But does that mean that because the feelings are not there we therefore have the right to treat a person in a mean way? Or make them feel unloved by just being uncaring and insensitive, pushing them away or being unresponsive when they are needing some sort of help or comfort?
No, love is not about just feelings. Feelings can be so changeable and fickle at times that, although they can be great, to live by them, to act simply according to them would be the most effective way of screwing up your own life. I have personally found that what really matters in life is not necessarily what we can see with our two eyes or feel in our hearts. It is the unseen responsibility or the unwritten code of conduct, the duty that binds two people, rather than just the passion that can bubble up at times, or the attractive man or woman that would be an "easy lay" when your partner is getting on your nerves too much.
This ties in with the next topic
Here I'm am going to do something I don't usually do. I'm gonna quote a whole chapter of scripture. It's not that big, but the message in it is very powerful. It's been one of my favourite chapters in the bible for so long.
My son, keep my words. Lay up my commandments within you. Keep my commandments and live! Guard my teaching as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers. Write them on the tablet of your heart. Tell wisdom, "You are my sister." Call understanding your relative, that they may keep you from the strange woman, from the foreigner who flatters with her words.
For at the window of my house, I looked out through my lattice. I saw among the simple ones. I discerned among the youths a young man void of understanding, passing through the street near her corner, he went the way to her house, in the twilight, in the evening of the day, in the middle of the night and in the darkness. Behold, there a woman met him with the attire of a prostitute, and with crafty intent. She is loud and defiant. Her feet don't stay in her house. Now she is in the streets, now in the squares, and lurking at every corner. So she caught him, and kissed him. With an impudent face she said to him: "Sacrifices of peace offerings are with me. This day I have paid my vows. Therefore I came out to meet you, to diligently seek your face, and I have found you. I have spread my couch with carpets of tapestry, with striped cloths of the yarn of Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let's have our fill of passion until the morning. Let's delight ourselves with loves. For my husband isn't at home. He has gone on a long journey. He has taken a bag of money with him. He will come home at the full moon."
With persuasive words, she led him astray. With the flattering of her lips, she seduced him. He followed her immediately, as an ox goes to the slaughter, as a fool stepping into a noose. Until an arrow strikes through his liver, as a bird hurries to the snare, and doesn't know that it will cost his life. Now therefore, sons, listen to me. Pay attention to the words of my mouth. Don't let your heart turn to her ways. Don't go astray in her paths, for she has thrown down many wounded. Yes, all her slain are a mighty army. Her house is the way to Sheol (hell), going down to the chambers of death. (Proverbs 7)
This was written in the book of Proverbs. The story doesn't have to be taken literally, but it does show us the power of temptation. One interpretation that I have always had is that the woman doesn't necessarily have to always be a woman, but can be anything that tempts us to do the wrong, anything that seduces any one of us, male or female, to pleasure ourselves in moral darkness.
One of the reasons why feelings can be so deceptive is because sometimes it feels good to do what is wrong. To be in the heat of passion with someone you shouldn't be with can feel great. The warmth and closeness and the intimacy of the moment ("of the moment" because it doesn't last) can be intoxicating. Messing around and having too much fun (or at least the wrong sort of fun) with multiple partners can be a real buzz, especially if they don't know about each other and you are playing both of them. Doing evil, doing wrong things can feel good. But in the long run, you are destroying lives. The broken hearts and the scarred and wounded souls that can come through such relationships just breed more pain. Most importantly, you are destroying yourself. Like a cancer hidden away in your insides, your morality and integrity and self-image is corroded away. You may feel in control, but it is really your passions controlling you, making you into "death, the destroyer of worlds", where you destroy people's lives (their world). You cannot be trusted, and who can you really trust since the person you are with could easily be pulling the wool over your eyes (fooling you)?
The safest bet is to run like hell away from temptation. Put as much distance between you and it, whatever form it has taken, as you can. People may think it a cowardly thing or make fun of you for it, but life is lived by wisdom, which can sometimes say to run like hell. If you are gonna try and stand up to a raging lion and take it by the mane in order to prove that you are in control rather than run for your life, then you may be considered brave by the world, but in reality you are a fool. If you are gonna try and put out a blazing fire with your bare hands thinking that you are in control, then go ahead. Not many people will try to shake your hand (or what remains of it) afterwards.
If you are bound in some way to the source of your temptation, be it responsibility or duty, in a way where it seems you cannot totally sever the bond, then still distance yourself as much as you can. I say this from experience, bad experience, in order that you might be spared from such terrible ordeals, both with your inner life when you have to look at yourself in the mirror after you do the dirty deed, and your social life when you look into the tear-filled or anger-stained eyes of someone you have broken trust with.
If the Lord will not build a house, its builders have toiled at it in vain; if the Lord will not guard a city, [its] watcher keeps his vigil in vain. (Psalm 127:1, read the whole psalm)
The most securest foundation that a person can build on is an invincible one. Now I know there may be "strong" relationships out there that ignore YHWH and his interaction with humanity and his example for us. For now they are irrelevant. They have their own subjective code, which, in the end, will melt into nothingness like everything else humans do on their own.
For those of us who know that there is a Deity, an Almighty one, a Creator, we cannot leave him out of our existence since he is the one who created it. Who better to help us understand ourselves than the one who created us? Who better to secure our relationships than the one who secured the earth in its place in the universe and the ground we stand upon?
There are plenty of benefits of having the All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Almighty One in the centre of your relationships. His wisdom, and the example of his character, and the history he has left to us in his scripture all give great insights into how two people of the opposite sex can truly love each other and deal with the hard times. Without this knowledge, we are in the dark.
A good relationship can be cultivated by making sure that you are right with Yahweh, always trying to do his will. Taking the time out to talk to that special someone in your life to talk about the Almighty also can be a great bonding time that can be so deep and fulfilling. You really do lose out if the person you are trying to get with is of a totally different faith that doesn't recognize the Deity of scripture.
Knowing about the Almighty and his word can also help a single person to judge who they should approach or have a deeper relationship with, which will save them a whole lot of heartache in the long run. The fear (or reverence) of YHWH can be a good deterrent from getting too physical with a person you're not married to.
So believe me, there are a lot of benefits for anyone who will keep YHWH in the midst, not only of their relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but also of their own heart and life.
When all is said and done, I hope all couples and people that fear Yahweh will at least get something from what I have shared. The family is a foundational structure in society. If we can improve opposite sex relationships, I believe it can really strengthen the foundations of a family relationship, which starts of with a woman and a man getting together, getting married and making a life for themselves and their children.
But where can that improvement come from? Where do we get the proper directions for success in our lives, single or in a couple? The ultimate guidance when it comes to doing right is YHWH's word. I hope you will keep it before you and with you and that Yahweh may bless you through keeping its principles.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.