Home
It had been years since I had rejected faith in Jesus, and left Christianity. I had gotten used to it. I wasn't a christian, and I could easily and vehemently tell people so. My life was supposed to be based on the Tanakh (known as the "old testament" to christians), and my aim was to strive in the fear of YHWH.
But I still kept on going to church. Some people may be shocked at this. Looking at the rest of my website, it would seem strange for me to write such articles like "Why I think the worship of Jesus is idolatry" and still go to a church that worshipped Jesus in mainly the same idolatrous way. That would strike some people as inconsistent, maybe even close to hypocritical.
So why did I remain? Why did I continue going when I had forsaken the theology and philosophy of the place and people?
You know, my family asked me that question when I told them that I had changed my beliefs. They remained christian, yet accepted me still, as much as they could. They saw the certainty in my eyes when I told them that I was no longer a follower of Jesus, and knew that I didn't do such a thing lightly without study. Although they disagreed, they couldn't convince me conclusively that I was wrong in my new worldview. Accepting this, they still wondered why I stayed at the same church.
You see, I am a musician. I love music. To be more accurate, I love playing it. It's a bit like anything else in my life: I love to do a thing rather than to just watch it or study it. I prefer to play football (or soccer) than watch it. I prefer to play tennis than watch it. But, like those sports examples, because of my lifestyle I don't get much chance to do them. I don't have many friends with whom to play football or tennis. I don't really play sports on saturdays when people normally play. In the same way, I don't get much opportunity to play music, especially with other people. Of course I have my instruments at home, but you can learn so much more by being in a band or a group, or have singers challenge you to play their songs.
But I don't just play any songs. My whole music experience has been mostly gospel songs, playing at church. I didn't know many people and didn't know of ways to join a suitable band to play with. I could write you a good list of reasons why I didn't get much chance to play music. But rather than do that I just cut to the chase and tell you that I got a lot of chances to play music at church. At the church I went to frequently, I was one of the only musicians, and the people thought I could play so well. I was a guitarist one time, and then the drummer another time, but most of the times I would go wild on the keyboard or the organ while the christians there sang their songs. Oh, how I loved music! And still do, by the way!
I had a talent. Something I was good at. Something which made me feel useful in a world where I didn't feel very useful. I had people who made me feel useful. Oh, how dark is a world where one has no use! Even when I went to other churches of the same kind around the country, some of the people recognised me and remembered that I could play (since I played at some national conferences for the church) and gave me a keyboard, or guitar, or even the "sexy" bass guitar so that I could join in and play! I had a purpose. Despite my beliefs, I had a purpose.
I said to myself "Well I'm just going to use them for the music, to gain more experience and to do it. I'll use them, just as they are using me. I'll get the fun out of having some really funky times with the music [and the music can be sweet sweet sweet], without putting my heart into their worship." In essence what I was saying is that as long as I don't sing the words, I am ok. Music doesn't have words, so I can play it and not be culpable to the Most High.
The people also were accepting enough. The christians at the church I went to regularly had some impression that I had changed. One time, when they allowed me to teach the whole church, one question was asked where I unashamedly answered that "I'm not a christian". I think they had some idea then. That was the one and only time they allowed me to teach the church. They still kept on calling me "Brother David" or "Brother Dryden" for a while after that. But I couldn't allow that, so I corrected them. Sometimes quite rudely. If they called me that, I would reply that "I am not a brother", "we don't have the same momma/parents" in a stern tone and with some clarification to let them know that I didn't accept their "christ". Most of them got the message, although, even in the end, some of them still slipped up.
But they were friendly, very friendly. Some of them became almost like family. I didn't have any friends where I lived, so they were the only "friends" I had. The pastor was still someone who I could go to in order to talk about private things.
I had also gotten involved with a girl there, who was christian, and I was concerned about the future of our potential marriage and the moral teaching of our potential children if I left. The education system in England is close to atheistic and where I would want my children to have some moral teaching. Since the Jewish community seemed so closed and distant, surely I would have to rely on the church. I wasn't sure how much power and teaching I would have if the children simply stayed at home for the sabbath. Although that girl and I broke up, I still ended up marrying a christian and so the same issues persisted.
With all these factors, I also convinced myself I could make a difference where I was. I thought that maybe I could show them Bible, the thing that had changed me, and influence them. Maybe I could show them the errors there were perpetrating, the idolatry they were committing, be a light so that they could see.
So I stayed. For 3 years after I had changed my beliefs I remained at the church. I continued playing the music. I continued trying to be all I could be while I was there. Of course, I didn't sing their songs. I didn't join in their prayers. I stated my disagreement with certain issues in their classes when appropriate, and rarely when not appropriate. They saw there were things that I just would not do.
But still I stayed.
Although I stayed, I was far from totally comfortable.
The teaching in that place, a lot of the times, really got on my nerves. I couldn't believe that the teaching material received from the central offices of that church could have bible in, yet stray so much from it. Or how much inaccuracy could be in one lesson. When the first girl I was involved with, and now my wife, saw how my disagreement showed on my face and body, they had to literally lay a hand on me and attempt to calm me down. My mind was shouting "Where in the hell does it say that in the bible?" and "The scripture didn't say that!" and "Don't they even read? Anything?" To go through that lesson, most of the time, was an ordeal.
At the very least there was some "old testament" in the lesson book, but soon that changed to mostly "new testament". Some lessons just had pure "new testament" quotes in it. What could I do? That was totally irrelevant to me. There were so few points I could raise or make.
Now get me straight! I love truth. I love it when you read what the bible says and then interpret it in line with what the bible says. When you start adding things that aren't there, or totally twisting scripture into something it ain't, then I get a very short fuse. No matter how sincere you try to be, you're just doing wrong there (i.e., you are sincerely wrong). For a teacher to teach such wrong notions and for the people to drink it up so readily infuriates me down the line. Some may say that I only disagreed because I was not a christian. But honestly, there was stuff in there even christians should have disagreed with. Painting Pharisees on a whole as hypocrites? Putting Jesus in places that don't even remotely refer to him? That ain't reading scripture for what it says. That's reading scripture for what you want it to say.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, eventually I couldn't stay in the same room during lesson time. I just went into church kitchen and studied on my own. When it was time for music, then I was more comfortable.
The preaching in the sermons wasn't much better. But because the preacher would sometimes strike up a song or a few songs during the sermon, I would still have to be round the keyboard to be reading to go with what he was singing. Everything was so much about "Jesus Jesus Jesus" or the "holy spirit/ghost" and so little of the Heavenly Father.
The amount of credit they gave to Satan and the demons was incredible. One time, a preacher even said that all problems are demonic in nature. My jaw dropped. I could even look at my christian wife, knowing how much she disagreed with it as well because of what scripture says. Demons and spirits were so "glorified" in that place. Phrases like "The devil didn't want me to make it to church" or "I'm not gonna let Satan stop me" were common phrases. It was a war between Satan and the Almighty, and Satan was in charge of people's lives most of the time with the amount of problems he caused.
As I said before, I couldn't sing their songs, since the vast majority of their songs were about Jesus. I did help their choir, but because so many of their songs were about Jesus, whenever I had to help them with harmonies and words, I substituted the word "pizza" for "jesus". Also when they started to "get in the spirit", or "rejoice" uncontrollably and speaking in tongues, it got uncomfortable then as well.
So although the people were nice, the worship in that place made sure that I could never leave the church totally happy. Something had tainted my day. Some word or message made sure that I had a cloud over my head for a time.
Yes, although I loved music like crazy, I was far from comfort.
Now I had had doubts about what I was doing a long time. Although I had convinced myself it was ok and that there were good reasons for staying and doing the music, there were still some nagging doubts in my mind. Many times I almost left, but I found the same reasons to stay. Two times I visited a synagogue. The first time, I was turned away because it was an orthodox synagogue. The second time, I went to a more liberal synagogue which let me in. It was ok, but I left feeling some distance because of their liberal approach to scripture, and their adherence to the Jewish oral law, which is not based on written scripture.
So I stayed with my nagging doubts, until some things happened. There was a time when one of the presiders of a service asked me to sing while they were praying around the pulpit. They like my singing voice as well. I thought to myself that I could sing the song they requested fine because the verse had no mention of Jesus. So I sang it while they were standing, meditating and praying around the pulpit, which they call "the altar". But after I had done that I thought about what I had done. I mean what was I really doing? Although what I was singing may have been ok, wasn't it linked somehow to their worship and what they were doing? I felt I had done something wrong, even if I couldn't accurately put my finger on it. I knew that I didn't agree with their worship or their prayers, which were often directed to Jesus. And here I was singing while their were doing that, almost helping ... almost participating? It was too close to the line of wrongness for me, so I decided to stop that, not further delving into the implications of that decision.
But the thing that struck me the most happened much later on. Once again I was stuck behind the keyboard during a sermon again. I had cool software on my phone which allowed me to work on articles I was writing for the website, and I also had a Hebrew bible on it to refer to when studying. So although my mind was on other things during the sermon, I was still half listening [not everything that is preached is total rubbish - there is some wisdom even there].
The main topic of the preaching was the problems with Islam and how it was against christianity. One of the verses of the "new testament" he decided to quote was 1 John 2 which says "who is a liar except he who denies that Jesus is the christ? This is antichrist. He neither has the Son nor the Father, because if you don't have the Son, you don't have the Father" [my paraphrase].
Believe me when I say that before I heard the scripture read that way, I never fully appreciated how opposite and how incompatible my faith (a form of Judaism) was with christianity. I had read condemnations before. I had even been called antichrist once before, but that was when I was still a christian. But I had never really seen nor comprehended how much at odds I was with the doctrine of the people of that church. I must have been blind or something.
He went on to say that you shouldn't be deceived into thinking that Muslims and Christians serve the same god, because one of Islam's central creed is the belief in the god Allah and Muhammed whom he had sent. For a christian to say that they worship the same god as a muslim is to accept some validity to what the god did, i.e., send Muhammed, his prophet. Now although the logic wasn't 100% tight, there was something to it. That quote that the preacher had used beforehand had mentioned such a tight form of unity between Jesus (the "son") and "God" the Father, that you couldn't really have one without the other. So there is something fundamentally different about the Christian god and the one I worship, who has nothing to do with Jesus.
These thoughts led me to a place where I was back in my "why I think the worship of Jesus is idolatry" article and to the situation that had happened before when I sang while they meditated and prayed.
"Not lighting the fire but fanning the flames". That's what my sister said way back when I had just changed my beliefs. Hmmm...
My mind goes back to the book of Daniel in the Hebrew Bible. In the book there is an instance were king Nebuchadnezar orders that a huge gold statue of himself be erected and that everyone be commanded to bow to that statue or else they would be put to death. Three Hebrew men said that they would not bow the statue because it went against the law of YHWH. They were thrown into a fiery furnace, but YHWH saved them and kept them from harm.
Some may wonder where this is going. Well let me quote a verse from that story.
(4) And the herald cried aloud: 'To you it is commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, (5) that at what time ye hear the sound of the horn, pipe, harp, trigon, psaltery, bagpipe, and all kinds of music, ye fall down and worship the golden image that Nebuchadnezzar the king hath set up; (6) and whoso falleth not down and worshippeth shall the same hour be cast into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.' (7) Therefore at that time, when all the peoples heard the sound of the horn, pipe, harp, trigon, psaltery, and all kinds of music, all the peoples, the nations, and the languages, fell down and worshipped the golden image that Nebuchadnezzar the king had set up. (Daniel 3:4-7, JPS)
In this instance, when the music is heard the people had to worship the idol. Of course it was on pain of death, but there is still something else there. Music, especially in a religious setting, is associated with the worship. I wondered to myself, if I was one of those people who were playing those instruments, would I be any less guilty than one who bows to the idol? Isn't my music encouraging the worship? Would I not be participating in such worship by playing?
I thought again about the phrase my sister used before about not starting the fire, but fanning the flames. I had already come to the conclusion that what they were doing was idolatry. Even in my final stages as a christian, I knew that to worship Jesus like that was idolatry. Yet there I was, helping in their worship. I was using the music to try to go with or affect the mood of their worship. I could play loud or quiet at the right times to get reactions or to interpret the reactions that were going on. This was just like me singing while they were meditating and praying.
It hit me like a brick dropped from a great height unto my head: I was participating in idol-worship.
The logic that had caused me to say that I was ok as long as I wasn't singing the words was fundamentally flawed. It painted the unrealistic of me and my music somehow separated by some invisible barrier from the worship of the people around me, where they couldn't touch me, but I could touch them, but in no bad way. But that isn't how life, real life, works, is it? There is an inter-relationship in our actions. What you do can affect me and vice versa. My actions can encourage or discourage what you do. My music was encouraging and stimulating their worship. All those times when the drummer and I would break into an American-gospel-like fast beat that would make people start clapping and worshipping, or those times when I would softly play as the preacher would preach or while they prayed .... oh lord, it is hard to believe I was there and that was me. But it was! I was participating, actively, and for some reason didn't even comprehend. If I looked at myself, I would be tempted to call myself a hypocrite.
The preaching had shown the stark contrast between what they were and what I was, between Christianity and any Torah-based worldview, my worldview. The lines between these worldviews were clarified in my mind to such a shocking clarity. I sat at that keyboard, for possibly the last time, and looked at my hands in some state of shock. What was I doing? What have I been doing? What have I done? I had sinned against the Most High by helping others to sin. I had sinned against the Most High. I had sinned.
What real difference had I made at that church for those 3 years? One person said that I showed that I had helped people to see that you should check what the bible says before accepting what the preachers say or what the lesson book says. Another said that I showed what it is to have standards by the fact that I made a point of only doing what I believed was right at the time. Well...
What about all that logic about being married to a christian and the moral teaching my potential children would receive? What about the close friends I had there? I mean they were almost my only friends, apart from my wife. What about my usefulness? What about my music?
Honestly, these all seem like nothing when compared honouring YHWH, the only true Deity. In the first of my recent personal bible studies that I've put online, a study based on Genesis 1, I came to the conclusion that we owe Deity our lives. That means our very existence is due to him. Although there is bad in life, there are also such good things and such blessings in life, in my life, and it is down to him. Even the bad is put there by him for us to overcome and get better. How can anything else seem more important, or be important enough to sin against one of the most fundamental principles of Torah-monotheism? I would rather cut these things off, no matter how much I loved them, rather than sin against him, the one who has given me so much more than I could ever say.
After such conclusions, my music career at church, at any church, was over. I just couldn't do that anymore in good conscience. In other words, I just couldn't do that any more, full stop. Not only that, but I also couldn't attend church on any regular or continued basis anymore. To sit in the congregation of Jesus-worshippers still seems inconsistent to my beliefs. And it was uncomfortable enough being there with the music. Now that gone, how can I continue? That was one of the main reasons for me being there. It may happen that I am forced to go every now and again, but one thing I will not do is participate.
This hasn't been an easy decision. It's one thing to come to a conclusion, and another thing to follow it through into action. My heart has burned me with emotion when I've had to tell people I care about that they may not see me again or that I'm not gonna play the music anymore, which they enjoyed. Feelings or ideas that I've letting them down or just feelings of sadness creep in. Fears of how difficult it may be for my wife and about my own future come in as well. It is not easy to make a active decision which may have some wide-ranging implications. Music and performing it is something I love, below YHWH and my wife, and I may be losing out on a lot here. But good decisions are not always the easy ones. In fact the morally good decisions rarely are the easy ones. In the end, it just isn't worth the cost.
With my issues, such as my musical ability, and potential children (hey, they ain't even here yet), and my usefulness, and friends, I may be able to find something that keeps it all going. And most of all I trust the Almighty to keep me. Despite how I may have been misguided, or how I may still be misguided, that has been my one main aim: to do what is right in his eyes.
So that is my story. It isn't finished yet by far. There are so many things to learn and to relearn and to live and to accomplish, if the Lord wills that I live so long. I just hope I can live my life in the light of his holy word, the scriptures.